I remember memorizing this part of Ecclesiastes in college for my “Spiritual Crisis in Literature” class.  I always find this part of the Bible uplifting because all seasons come and go and pass.  There is a “time to every purpose under heaven.”  I love how the Byrds put this into verse too…Who else is in a new season in your life?

I saw this and had to share…It’s beautiful…I don’t know who wrote it…

One Little Rose

I would rather have one little rose
From the garden of a friend
Than to have the choicest flowers
When my stay on earth must end.

I would rather have one pleasant word
In kindness said to me
Than flattery when my heart is still
And life has ceased to be.

I would rather have a loving smile
From friends I know are true
Than tears shed round my casket
When this world I’ve bid adieu.

Bring me all your flowers today
Whether pink, or white, or red
I’d rather have one blossom now
Than a basketful when I’m dead.

–Author Unknown

My grandmother is at the end of her life, and the thought of her leaving me is very sad for me….Of course, my anxiety has been heightened these last few days…Since babies are on my brain, here is where my anxious thoughts are:

 

What if I get really scared when I’m pregnant and think ‘oh no, what did I do?’

What if I can’t handle the stress of parenthood?

What if my kids aren’t kind people?

What if my kids make really poor choices as teens?

What if I feel I can never escape this major change?

What if I’m not a good mother?

What if my children are really sick?  Will I be able to meet their needs?

What if my child has autism?

These are all worries on children who are not yet conceived.  Waiting to exhale…

It hit me today…My grandmother is not going to be with me forever.  I visited her in the rehabilitation facility, and she told me that she has this feeling she will go in 2009.  She doesn’t have a crystal ball, and I know that she isn’t going to live forever, but it truly hit me with all my being today.  I felt profoundly sad in a way that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  I’m twenty-nine, and I’ve never lost anyone close to me.  Now, she isn’t even gone yet, but I sense this hollow loss which is filled with tears after tears.  I’ve been crying on and off all day, even at the home of the in-laws.  I wanted to pull it together, but the tears didn’t listen to me.   My sadness at her not being here is all of a sudden palpable.  I had been in denial or always thought there would be more time and more time and more time.  Now, we are running out of time.  It may not be for awhile, but we don’t have all this time.  I am sad in a way that words cannot fully express.  I keep writing “sad.”  Sad is such a small word, but it is very big inside of me right now.  I will spend every day after work with her that I can.  I will love her and hug her.  That’s all I can do.

I’m pondering these…

“Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile…initially scared me to death.”-Betty Bender

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”–Eleanor Roosevelt

“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.”–Japanese Proverb

I must be a perfectionist.  I don’t need my house perfectly clean, and I don’t always dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s, but in some areas I must be a perfectionist.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t have this need inside to feel that things must mentally all be in place before we have a baby.  Maybe, it’s not so much perfectionism kicking in here but idealism…It would be fabulous to have a Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House on the Prairie relationship with my mother-in-law before building our family.  If my anxiety was completely gone (I say to myself),  I’d be the best mother in the Universe and wouldn’t worry about my cherubs as teenagers before they were even conceived…But, I’m done–I’m done letting my need to have everything perfectly in order before I take the plunge…Like the panda in Zen Ties who teaches the art of letting go, I am striving to do just that…Didn’t the Lord say, “My grace is sufficient?”  Why is it so hard for me to believe His words?  He will take care of me even in the midst of some fear and anxiety.  I know that I am weak because the only true fear that I want to have as a Christian is fear of the Lord.  But, I have more fears than just that…

I’ll never have read all the books I wanted to read or taken all the trips I wanted to take or napped all the minutes I wanted to nap or spent as much alone time with my husband as I could.  I’ll never be completely ready for this new adventure or huge responsibility.  But, my heart is open to God’s love.  I love my husband, and I care deeply about all God’s children.  I hope that is enough…I would have loved it if I had a Little House on the Prairie situation with the in-laws as I said (I’ve never read any of the books, but I get the idyllic tone of them from the covers and the tv show with Melissa Gilbert.)  I would love it if I felt Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious every moment without fear at the thought of all the new enormous changes that accompany expanding one’s family and being a mother.  At times, my fear is like a wild animal ready to attack me and choke me.  Other times, I know I will rise above it.  If I do, many unknown blessings are in my reach.  If I can persevere and not let my weak flesh (my human side) take over, I know that God will help me along the journey…This is it.  This is “as good as it gets.”

For all you book lovers who work with kids, check out this site:

Letters About Literature

I’m working with my fifth graders on this in library, and I think it is a great program.  As someone who appreciates the written word, I loved reading some of the winning essays from years past.  They were truly inspiring!

 

I’ve read before that you shouldn’t focus on what you don’t want in life but what you do want….It is very true.  Sometimes, when I worry, I start to think of all that I don’t want in life or all that could go wrong…It’s a tailspin, and I don’t want to go down that road.  Here’s what I do want in life:

• To cultivate a loving relationship with God
• Continue to have a wonderful marriage that grows in time
• Love and be good to my family
• Build a family with my husband
• Read to our future children
• Be passionate about whatever it is I am doing whether it is as a librarian or as a stay at home mom (if we go that route after having kids)…
• Volunteer in the church with my husband
• Be a calm person
• Read a lot!
• Visit family members more…
• Be kind to all I meet
• Laugh more
• Dance
• Continue water yoga and find other fun water exercises!
• Breathe in the ocean air in the summer…
• Relish the simple pleasures in life–cuddles, a warm bath, etc..

I hate the unknown…As I wrote in one of my previous posts, there is a comfort in some familiarity.  When I find something that works, I stick to it.  I savor simple pleasures that are “tried and true.”  Right now, I am about to come out of my comfortable cocoon and face some of my fears right in the face.  I’m scared to death.  I feel like Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” facing totally new territory…except I’m a twenty-nine year old girl woman.  It’s time for me to step up to the plate even though my whole being is hot with fear at times.  God, give me the strength to follow through with it!

I saw a quote on the internet the other day about miracles and the unknown…But, I can’t find it now.  Anyway, the quote said that there are miracles in the unknown.  Could it be?  Time will tell…

I recently read Patrick Swayze’s memoir.  (His wife co-authored the book with him.)  I really enjoyed the book because it was well-written, and he and his wife had a genuine love story.  It was not a perfect love story, but it was an inspiring love in many ways.  I reflected upon why I enjoyed this memoir and what makes Patrick Swayze different from many other Hollywood “stars” in my eyes.

Like many in my generation, I am a fan of “Dirty Dancing.”  No, it is not the best film ever written, but I love dance, and I love the music in the movie.  As a young teen (I was too young to watch the movie when it first came out in 1987; I was only seven!), I remember finding Patrick Swayze appealing.  Now, upon more “grown up” analysis (Don’t laugh...), my crush on him was understandable.  Without knowing it, I loved his confidence, his stature, and strength etched in all the muscles while he danced.  He had a lot of masculinity, but he also had a gentle way about him as well.  After I read the book, I realized that my impression of him was pretty accurate…I liked how he studied the arts and sports–dance, ballet, gymnastics, football, and boxing were all part of his life as a youngster or adolescent.  I’m not sure people always know that different disciplines are complementary, but they are.  (Meaning:  Boys can grow up perfectly masculine with dance study.)  Anyway, he wasn’t a perfect person…(None of us are.)  He struggled with alcoholism a few times in his life and also faced feelings of inadequacy.  However, the love he and his wife had for one another was very special.  They weathered storms and shared dark moments as well as times of immense joy and artistic creativity.  I’m glad I read this book…